The Musings of a Midwesterner Gone South

When I think of the danish, the following lyric comes to mind (from "Iowa Stubborn", a classic song in the classic musical "The Music Man"):

"we could stand touching noses for a week at a time and never see eye to eye".

There's a certain reserve in these folks which I've found hard to crack. Once you do, they open up quite nicely, but boy... it sure has been work getting some of them to crack!

I finished my assignment here today. When I left my hotel this morning, I noticed something very rare... THE SUN. It had actually decided to come out today and I couldn't have been happier. I knew that today was going to be a short day onsite and that I'd have the afternoon for being a tourist again.
So, once I left Herlev, I bummed around Christianshavn for awhile before heading over to Tivoli to see the Christmas decorations. I hung around there until after dark and headed back to my hotel. I decided to eat at "Sahil", the Indian restaurant just at the corner for the second time... the food there is fantastic.

My work engagement went rather well, I thought... it was really great seeing how another country approaches health care... and, as in Canada, there is none of the issues dealing with reimbursement and patient billing here. Why can't it be like that in the US???

So tomorrow I fly home. And I'm ready. I miss my kids and David and sleeping in a large bed! This tiny bed will not be missed! It's been a great opportunity, though, and I'm glad I had the chance to come here.

Holy Crap... am I going to have a lot of Tivo to catch up on!

There are several movies that have, what I call, ultra whiny bitches in them. Here are my favorite film whiners of all time... in reverse order:

3. Scarlett O'Hara in "Gone With The Wind"...
yes it's one of the greatest movies ever made, but from the very first scene (War, war, war, this talk of war has spoiled every party this spring) to the last (wherever shall I go? Whatever shall I do?) Scarlett whines her way through the entire thing. I am listing her first because, as whiners go, she was the ballsiest, and that's worth something.


2. Wendy Torrance in "The Shining"...
Oh my God... Shelly Duvall is the epitomy of a great whiner in this movie. I was ready to take that ax to her by the end!



1. Alice Tripp in "A Place in The Sun"...
Shelley Winters was great playing the frumpy, whiny Alice.... so much so that I would've pushed her out of that boat myself, pregnant or not. You could just see the angst in Montgomery Clift's face as he wonders how in the hell he's going to get out of his association with her... and then lady luck appears in the form of a rowboat. She is my favorite film whiner of all time.



Now that I have the whine I just need a nice cheese to go with it.

I'm sitting at a tiny desk as I write this... in my tiny room at the Hotel Maritime in Copenhagen. It sure was a long trip getting here! My flight from Memphis to Amsterday was 2 1/2 hours delayed which meant that once I got to Amsterdam, my flight to Copenhagen had already left and I was rebooked on a later flight. I usually always adjust very quickly to the time change when I come to Europe, so I'm already pretty well adjusted.

I spent this morning being an "on foot" tourist. It's cloudy and cold and there was even a bit of misting as I shlepped all over the central city. Tivoli Gardens is closed, but they are opening up for the Christmas season on Friday, so maybe I'll get to see the lights after all.

I start my "job" portion of this trip tomorrow... and basically will not see the sunlight the rest of my time here. I'm anxious and yet nervous... anxious to see how things operate in a European hospital and nervous that I won't be able to share anything new with them.

In any event, I have vowed not to be a captive of this tiny room, so regardless of how cloudy and icky it is outside, I resolve to be out there seeing and doing stuff. I might as well enjoy the experience! Who knows if I'll ever get here again!

Buy me a "Snuggie" and you'll die. It's that simple.

I'm finding it funny how vampires have become a fashion/cultural hit right now. I do want to remind everyone that for some reason, "vampire fever" is cyclical. While today's focus on vampires is strongly sexual, back in MY day, it was more fear driven.

This takes me back to about 1968-1969 when I was just a grade schooler. We'd race home from school in order to be seated in front of the TV when "Dark Shadows" came on. "Dark Shadows" not only had vampires, it also had werewolves, ghosts, and sets that were so flimsy that they swayed like sheets drying on the clothesline. There were interesting characters like Barnabas Collins and Quentin Collins and Angelique. All of them instilled a sense of fear and awe in me. There was also Dr. Julia Hoffman, who, every time she screamed, sounded like a man and to this day I'm not convinced that the actress who played her (the late Grayson Hall) wasn't one. I didn't care. I loved it all. I loved being afraid of it all.

I still remember going to bed as a kid and making sure that my covers were pulled up to mid-face level so that the vampires who would come into my room during the night wouldn't see an exposed neck (apparently I thought that a vampire wouldn't have the common sense to simply pull down the covers).

I'm sure that today's younger vampire aficionados will arrive at their own imprint from their experiences watching the Vampire offerings available now. What will come next, 40 years from now, will remain to be seen.

I have to admit, I had originally planned this huge long narrative about the experience of having my appendix out last week. But, the more time that passes and the better I feel, it no longer seems like such a drama. But, I can boil it down to a few things...
1. I can't believe how awful I felt by the time they actually took me into the ER on Tuesday night. I also can't believe how awful I felt from the medication they gave me once I got there. I spent all evening throwing up an ugly "green tea" liquid. Even Linda Blair, if she were to have seen the amount I spewed, would've said "Holy Crap!". Tuesday night in the surgery holding room was easily one of the worse nights of my life. I was so sick, sore, and restless. I stared at the clock all night... and when I finally did doze for a few moments, the sleep was full of dreams which made no sense. Horrible, horrible night.
2. There is no sense to being modest in a hospital. I laugh now when I think about how I tried to keep myself covered as I got onto the OR table Wednesday morning, only to wake up from surgery completely shaved... stomach and pubes. I'm wondering if an itemized item called "bikini wax" will appear on my hospital bill. Since one of my incisions is located just above the base of my wang... I obviously lay there completely exposed for the whole thing.
3. I'm also a bit peeved at the call I got on Thursday in which a woman from the hospital billing department wanted to know how I was going to pay for my deductible AND my 10% of the surgery and could she get a credit card number NOW? Are you kidding me? Is this what we've come to?
4. NPO... which means "nothing by mouth".... somehow this was ordered for me and I have a feeling it's due to the "green tea spew" episodes of Tuesday evening. They basically have me nothing until Thursday...even a glass of water, despite my protests that I was now feeling sorta ok. Well... let's look on the bright side... maybe I lost a pound.
5. BP.... They had a hard time keeping my blood pressure down while I was here too... one time it was 156/116. Nothing elicits a look of "Holy Shit!" from a nurse faster than a ticking bomb level blood pressure.
6. Aftermath... I went home Friday afternoon, still sore. My first two nights at home were a bit shaky too, but I'm sleeping better now as the pain subsides more and more. I do not look forward to my next foray into surgery either.... it's awful, painful, and you just can't describe the smells. I'm thankful that I'm feeling better and I guess that's the good thing! I'm also thankful that I only had one appendix, so I don't have to go through this again!

Ever since joining Facebook, I've been wanting to post some old pictures so that my newfound old friends could enjoy them too. My mind has been fixated on my kindergarten picture which has my whole class in it. Mrs. Lindeman, my teacher, in standing on the left... or is she on the right? No matter... in my mind I can picture almost every freshly scrubbed kid in that picture.

Here's the problem... I can't find it. The atoms which comprise this picture are all joined together and occupying time and space SOMEWHERE. I just cannot, for the life of me, find out where this "somewhere" is.

When I moved to Florida in 2003, much of my memorabilia type stuff all went unceremoniously into storage boxes. This past Sunday I opened and pored through them all in a vain attempt to find this one picture. Later that same day I opened each box again just in case I didn't look good enough the first time. And yet again last night... I opened each box a THIRD TIME and went through each item without success. This must mean that the picture is somewhere in my house, but where???

I know what'll happen. I'll forget all about this picture and then some day, when I'm doing something completely different, I'll open up a folder or photo album and there it'll be. This, my friends, is why I want to get every photograph I own in digital form. That way, I'll lose the "file" of the picture, and not the damn picture itself.

If anyone out there does happen to have the photo of Mrs. Lindeman's morning 1963-1964 kindergarten class of the Silver Creek Elementary School, Harvey, Michigan,... please let me know!

On a side note, I'd like to take the opportunity to wish my dear friend Topper a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I miss him a lot... but true friendship knows no bounds of distance. Have a good one, Topper!

Holy Crap... This is the best season for TV in a long, long time. Usually I sift through all the shows offered, select my token 1 or 2 shows and that's it. But this year? The hard drive on my TiVo is groaning from the weight of all the extra electrons imparted upon it this year as I have shows recording constantly.
Here's my current list...
1. Survivor... what can I say, I've been watching it since the first season.... and ever since that first season I wonder the same thing... where do they poop?
2. The Amazing Race... one day I'll be on this show... and I don't care if I'm coming out of a nursing home in order to do it.
3. Top Chef... sure, the gay constestants have all been eliminated... and really, how can I be so hung up on a show that's all about teasing us by showing us the delicious food we'll never get a chance to taste? But, I love it anyway... maybe it's that yummy Tom Colicchio. Woof!
4. Project Runway... despite the jump from Bravo, I'm still loving this show. This season has a talented yet bitchy contestant, who I'm rooting for, yet don't like. How odd is that?
5. Ugly Betty... she had a few bumpy episodes to start the season, but this past Fridays put her back in her stride. God, I love the biting writing on this show!
6. Flash Forward... oddly enough, I rarely tune in to hour long dramas, but this one is intriguing. I'm hoping it doesn't deviate into a "Lost" sort of fragmented plotline... but this is one show where, even if they were to introduce aliens, it could still work.
7. Modern Family... this show is hilarious! I've been catching up with all the episodes on abc.com and as a comedy, this show really shines and has a great cast.
8. Mad Men... I'm several episodes behind on this one, but I'm trying to catch up! I love this show because it takes place at a time when I was actually a very young child... it's almost as if I should be able to remember this stuff!
9. Nurse Jackie, Weeds, The United States of Tara... while their seasons have finished, I'm loving all of these Showtime shows.
10. Community... I've only had the chance to see 2 episodes because it's on at the same time as both Survivor and Flash Forward. Geesh... who'd think that all three networks would have a show on I actually want to watch at the exact same time!
11. The New Adventures of Old Christine... you simply cannot not love a show with Wanda Sykes. And, to be fair, Julia Louis Dreyfus has hit her mark on this one.
12. 30 Rock... I didn't get into this one until last season, but it's a keeper!
13. The Biggest Loser... holy cow, I bawled like a baby during last weeks episode. This show is predictable, yet inspiring... and for that reason, I love it.
and finally...
14. Glee.... what can I say? The name says it all.

Now... you can see why my TiVo disc is always so full, and I'm always so far behind in watching. I'm encouraged by the bounty of shows available this season... and now... perhaps I need a life?

Today is the 10th anniversary of my neck surgery. Yes.... dates stick in my head and there's nothing I can do about it. It does amaze me because I can forget why I walked into one room from another yet I can remember what happened to me 10 years ago. I do think, from time to time, that the movie "Rainman" was based on me.

Anyway, thinking back on the experience, a few things about my hospital experience stand out...

1. In the pre-op room, before I went in to surgery, I was kidding with one of the nurses.
"I'll probably be one of those patients who wakes up mid-surgery unable to let them know I'm in intense pain", I told her.

She laughed along with me about it and I thought that was it... until a few minutes later when an anesthesiologist with a very serious look on his face came rushing up to my bed...
"I hear you're having anxiety about waking during surgery", he said.
"Oh gosh", I said, "I'm really not... it just came out in conversation".

The result of this was that he asked me if I'd like a touch of something to relax me before I was wheeled into the OR. Now I've been in the OR hundreds of times and in most cases the patient is wide awake as they're wheeled in and are put out after they get onto the OR table. Not me... he gave an injection into my IV and the "relaxation" I got was that I was out cold in mere seconds and didn't regain consciousness until after surgery was over..... when I awoke puking my guts out. Apparently just mentioning the possibility of waking during surgery got me an extra dose of anesthesia.

2. The roommate.... I had thought I'd have a private room. I was an employee of the hospital after all. But, no such luck. Not long after I was brought up to my room, an old man was wheeled into the bed next to mine. The next day, my friends Jay, Dan, Steve and Steve came to visit me in my room... and I'm sure we cackled and gabbed a bit. The next day, however, as I lay awake in my bed, the daughter-in-law of the man in the bed next to me was on the phone... speaking in a hushed tone... to whom she was talking, I have no idea...
"I think we need another room for dad... I'm concerned... last night there was a group of homosexuals in here visiting the man in the next bed".

While I wanted to tell her that "Hey... I'm right here. I can hear every word!", or that her father-in-law was really in no danger, I didn't. I sucked it up. They never did move dad out. I would love to have found out later that he had started cross dressing after he got home.

3. The Pain... Holy shit did my incision hurt! And not the incision on my neck either. That one was fine... it was the one on my iliac crest that was killing me. They cut in there to take out the bone sliver that they used in my neck. They had given me a morpine pump and I remember that no matter how hard I pumped that darn thing the pain level did not change at all.

4. The aftermath.... I had to stay home for 4 weeks after the operation and I came out of it with a new mission. I had to kill whoever was in charge of daytime tv programming. Holy crap, there is NOTHING on tv at all during the day! I did tune in to "The Young and the Restless" from time to time and found out that not much had changed since I used to watch it when I was in high school....even Mrs. Chancellor's face had not changed... but other than that, I was bored stiff.

I remember when I booked my operation that it wasn't a good idea to do it so close to the turn of the year 2000... because if I died on the table, I'd miss out on that. But I went ahead with it anyway... and have regretted it ever since. My neck is still a piece of crap that I'd love to turn in for a new model.

I've always liked the mountains... and I've always liked the water. So when we had to make a decision about where to use up that extra timeshare week that expired at the end of the year, Lake Tahoe seemed like a great choice. I booked us in October because I'd also hoped to get a taste of fall, which I sorely miss living in Florida. A few of our trip highlights:

1. Driving around Tahoe. To simulate driving in the Tahoe area, simply do the following; place your hands in front of you on an imaginary steering wheel at the ten and two o'clock positions. Pretend you're steering very hard to the right... and then immediately pretend you're steering hard to the left. Repeat 1000 times.

2. Fun things to do. Easy... we did the most campy thing there.... we saw the drag show at the Horizon Casino, and it was a hoot. We thought we'd hidden ourselves far enough in the back of the showroom, but Gypsy eventually saw us... and from that moment on we were a part of the show.
http://www.horizoncasino.com/entertainment/golden_cabaret.php

We also did the "round the lake drive", which was gorgeous. 72 miles of forest and lake with a nice blue sky. All of the Aspens were yellow so I did get my taste of fall.

Our friends, Vince and Craig, had joined us from Oakland for the first 3 days we were there and we had some great food and drink while they were with us.

3. Yosemite. I'm not sure how to describe our trip to Yosemite without is sounding long and tedious... but it WAS long and tedious, so here goes...
Knowing that it'd take us 3 hours to go each way, I resolved to leave our hotel at 9am. I planned to be to the park by noon and head back around 3 or 4. When you leave South Lake Tahoe, you go east to highway 395, take it 88 miles and then take the Tioga Pass for another 55 miles into Yosemite. We were well on our way down 395 when David noticed a sign saying that the Tioga Pass was CLOSED.
"Closed?", I asked, "are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what the sign said", David replied.

Not knowing what to do, and since neither of us had any cell phone coverage to call to find out for sure, we stopped at a cafe along the side of the highway.
"Yup, the Tioga's closed", a nice man in the cafe told me. Moments later, a young woman came out of the back and echoed him:
"Yeah, Tioga's closed".

"What do we do?" I asked... knowing that there was no other way to get to Yosemite.
"Well", the guy started..."you can drive about 18 more miles, and then take highway 108... the Sonora Pass west, and come into Yosemite from the other side of the mountain"

Knowing that this was at least 100 miles out of our way... I gulped hard, and decided to go for it. We turned onto the Sonora Pass and discovered it was 82 miles long... and driving it? See number 1 above.

About 10 miles into the pass, David was mentally DONE with it all and started to shut down, which of course got me upset. Ultimately we had words, finally each said "I'm sorry" and decided to keep going. I shall hereafter call the Sonora Pass, "the relationship tester highway".

We finally got through the pass and took the long way around to Yosemite... arriving at the park just before 3pm... the time I had hoped to start heading home. My biggest fear was that we'd be driving back on a mountain pass road after dark. The ultimate joke on us, however, came just as we were arriving at the park. We turned on the radio to the Yosemite traffic station which cheerfully told us that the Tioga pass was OPEN... which meant we didn't have to do that damned Sonora Pass after all. There will be a day in the distant future when I will see the humor in this!

But the park was gorgeous and we both decided we'd like to go back some day and stay overnight in the nice hotel in the park.... and who knows... we might do just that.

4. Reno. I'll quote the late, great, Bette Davis when I give my opinion of Reno...
"What a dump!". There's a big sign over Virginia Street as you're coming into town which says
"Reno, the Biggest Little City in the World". You apparently can't read the fine print, which at the very bottom of the sign surely adds "and the town most closely resembling a land fill in America".

Overall, our trip was great... and I'm glad I went. The next adventure is yet to be planned. Stay tuned!

You remember her for her memorable cameo as a crossing guard in season 2 of "The Facts of Life";
He made a name for himself in the 1984 baseball season as the only person in the Americal League to retire from an injury in the first inning of his very first game; She was an onscreen double to Emily Blunt in "The Devil Wears Prada"; he played the third husband in the Sears Price Challenge commercial of 1998; he was an alternate contestant who was never called to be on the show on the 4th season of Survivor; she rode on the same elevator as Missy Elliot in the Marriott Marquis in New York City last November......

This, to me, is starting to sound like what the casts for "Dancing With The Stars" is resembling.
Am I wrong?

The moment I first met Dorene I instantly knew where her daughter, my good friend Gretchen, got her zest for living. Gretchen herself grabbed life by the horns and didn't stop at anything to have a good time. Dorene was the same way... and she was often swept up in the adventures of her children and lived her life to the fullest.

For me, Dorene was the mother-in-law I never had. She quickly became a part of my extended family and I truly felt like a part of hers. My memories of things we've done together will keep me sated for the rest of my life, with only one complaint.... I wish there had been more.
I'll always remember sipping wine at Ravinia, gathering at the Commune (her condo), the year 2000 New Years Eve party extraordinaire, many great meals at Loco's, and our trip to New Orleans together in the fall of 2007.

The New Orleans trip was poignant because, immediately after it, Dorene's life path veered very sharply from what it had been. She had been recently diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer which had already metastasized to her spine and other bones. We all knew that her days were ultimately numbered. It did not, however, keep us from having a great time..... and I still remember (although vaguely after 2 Hurricanes) singing at the top of our lungs at Pat O'Brien's and laughing ourselves silly.

Dorene lost her battle this past week, October 6, with Gretchen at her side. Up until a few days before she died and even with her deteriorating condition, she, and her family.... lived.

I truly believe that when someone dies their energy simply goes somewhere else to take on another form, and the life force that Dorene had was simply too great to be extinguished when her body gave out. I'll take comfort in knowing that maybe, when I'm sipping a really good glass of wine, she might be right there with me.






Dorene, Gretchen, Me, and David at Pat O'Brien's, October 2007. A great memory

I'm about to tell you three stories from when I was younger. I'm putting these in writing because I don't want the experiences to be lost if I should walk in front of a bus tomorrow. All of these stories involve supernatural experiences I have had and I almost feel as though I should be shining a flashlight under my chin as I write them down... proceed at your own peril....

Story 1.

When I was a kid I used to sometimes spend the night at my grandparent's house in Negaunee, MI. They had an old house and all of the bedrooms were upstairs. The layout to the house was a bit odd too. When you went up the stairs there was a bedroom immediately at the top of the stairway. If you turned right at the top of the stairs there was a second bedroom. But that was not all... if you went into this second bedroom and turned right again, there was a doorway to yet another bedroom. This second bedroom actually had to be passed through to get to the third bedroom and the bathroom adjacent to it. As kids, if we spent the night, we slept in this second bedroom. Next to the doorway leading into the third bedroom was an oval frame on the wall in which there was a picture of Grandma's father, my great grandfather. He had died very young in a mine accident and this picture was meant to be a memorial picture of him. In this picture, he has very glaring eyes and they would stare straight at you.... and through you no matter where you were as you looked at it. To this day this picture unnerves me. Today I own this picture and it's nicely packed in a box in my garage, where it will stay.

One night, when I was about 8 years old, I was spending the night at grandma and grandpa's house. I was in the bed in the second bedroom and the position of the bed was such that as you lay there, you stared at the doorway to the third bedroom and great grandpa's picture next to the doorway. I could hear the muffled sounds of the TV coming from downstairs as grandma and grandpa were still up.
I was always a bit nervous in that bedroom and I wasn't quite sure why. Suddenly, as I stared into the blackness beyond the doorway to the third bedroom, I heard a mans voice very slowly and distinctly say "pass the time away" in a tone just as you'd imagine a male ghost saying those words. The voice came from just beyond the doorway into the third bedroom. I remember my feeling of immediate terror and before I could think about what I was doing I bound out of bed and raced downstairs to tell my grandparents, who were both convinced that I had been dreaming. To this day I don't know the significance of the sentence I heard, or who or what had uttered it. I do know that I wasn't dreaming it, and I try to find value in these words as I grow into an older adult. Anyone? Any ideas?

Story 2.

One day, when I was about 11, I was in the living room of our house on Lakewood Lane in Marquette, MI. It was a bright summer day and I'm not sure why I was inside when it was so nice out. I do remember staring out of the front window when something ahead in the sky caught my eye. As I took a closer look, I found that I was looking at a long, tubular shaped object which was slowly moving across the sky over the top of our house. It was about 1/2 mile over us. In my mind it looked like the 2nd stage to a rocket.... cylindrical, metallic, and long. Since those were the days of the Apollo space missions, I actually thought that it might be a rocket stage that somehow was drifting overhead..... totally ignorant to the laws of gravity it would have broken if it were.

Anyway, this object slowly drifted over the top of the house to the point where I could no longer see it from the front picture window so I ran to the back of the house to watch it pass over the other side. I waited and waited... and the object never reappeared.

To this day I wonder what I saw... and where it went. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Story 3.

I went through an occult phase when I was a teenager. One of my favorite occult subjects was the possibility of out-of-body experiences and I had read and reread Robert Monroe's book "Journey's Out of The Body". In the book, he detailed the technique he used to arrive at a state where he could achieve these experiences, which he chronicled in great detail. The book explains how to arrive at a "vibratory" state in which it feels as though there is electricity flowing through your body, and gave directions to achieve this state.

I tried over and over to achieve this "vibratory" state and never got there.

However one day when I was about 16, mom had woken me up for school and instead of getting right out of bed, I lay back down and almost feel asleep again. As I lay there, barely conscious, I suddenly became aware that my body was starting to experience the sense of vibration as the book described. I mentally honed in on it and nurtured it almost as you would a fire that you were trying to keep from dying out. This feeling grew and grew and suddenly, even though I knew I was laying perfectly still, the electronic static and vibrations were coursing through my body. I slowly started to get up out of bed, still vibrating and moved halfway across my bedroom. I could see the light in the hallway beyond my bedroom and I could hear my mom out in the kitchen making breakfast. For some reason I turned back towards the bed and I could barely see a figure lying there. The moment I realized that this was me lying in the bed, I had a quick sense of tugging backwards and a second later I opened my eyes in bed... the last of the vibratory feelings leaving my body.

To this day I have been unable to replicate this experience.... and it hasn't been for lack of trying. And I still have Robert Monroe's book which I'll reread from time to time. This isn't necessarily a scary story, but an interesting one... and I hope that one day there'll be a chapter 2!

This means "Maui is the best!" in Hawaiian. Apparently that's what Anne-Marie believes. Anne-Marie was the very nice French Canadian lady who tried to sell us a weeks timeshare at the Maui Ocean Club which was double in price what I paid for my first house. I almost filled my pants when I saw the pricesheet!

I know that Hawaii is beautiful. In fact, David and I already own one timeshare on Oahu. But, to Anne-Marie, unless we owned on Maui, we wouldn't know what owning a piece of paradise was all about. I quickly told Anne-Marie that if I were to buy a week here, I'd quickly need to find housing for the other 51 weeks of the year, because I couldn't afford that timeshare and a house both. On top of that, unless you know how to manipulate time shares, owning them can be a burden. I certainly love our place at Ko Olina, but I have no desire to got here each and every year. So I have to sift through other options looking for a place to stay instead. If Anne-Marie had had her way, I'd have to do that twice per year, because I have no desire to go to Maui every year either... as lovely as it is!

On the other hand we did have a great Hawaiian trip. Long flights both ways. Jet lag that I'm still struggling with.... but overall there is a feeling there that's hard to capture anywhere else. And I'll look forward to my next visit there.... but it ain't gonna be next year!

a...A parent who kept your child from hearing the president's speech about the importance of staying in school... then you're a moron
b...A person who believes what the right wing is telling them about health care reform... then you're a moron
c...Worried that the biggest threat to our nation is the fact that two people who happen to be of the same gender want to get married and have the same rights as you do... then you're a moron
d...Tuned to Fox News for more than the amount of time it takes to pass it by as you flick channels... then you're a moron
e...Excited that Michael Vick is back in the NFL... then you're a moron

Ok...that about covers it for now

I just got off a flight from Las Vegas to Los Angeles. Sitting across the aisle from me on this flight was a 60ish year old man traveling with a 20ish Philippino woman. The way he treated her made me think that she was his wife, but who knows....

While this is clearly a case of a "mail order bride" it made me a bit unsettled primarily because this man and woman could barely communicate with each other and certainly had absolutely nothing in common. And he doted on her as if she were an infant daughter. To me, she was nothing more than a human pet with whom he could have sex.

Ew.



Side note......and totally unrelated....
McDonald's coffee (small) + 2 creamers + 2 sugars = swill that's still too bitter to drink. Bring back your dirty dishwater coffee!

I think that all Hollywood directors, when first starting out in the business, must take an oath, and that oath will need to include the line: "I hereby promise that I will not take a Hollywood classic and attempt to remake it in any way, shape, or form."

Everyone who knows me knows that I am a movie lover. Yet, one of the things that really gets me going is any time I hear of yet another attempt to remake a Hollywood classic. A few years ago they tried again... this time with George Cukor's amazing 1939 movie "The Women". When I saw that it was being remade I was furious and chanted mantras in hopes of seeing it fail. When I read the first bad reviews, I danced, clapped my hands, and laughed like a little boy. I don't understand the need to try and top perfection. The movies that they remake were generally perfect to begin with. Why do they think that people will flock to see a newer version?

I bring this up now because I see that a remake of the movie "Fame" is about to open in theaters. The original 1980 version is one of my all time favorite movies... and mostly because of where I was in my own life when the movie first came out. In 1980 I had moved away from home alone for the first time and was going through all the angst of trying to make it. When Irene Cara sat at that piano singing "Out Here On My Own", she was basically singing my life at that moment. I still get goose bumps every time I hear it. That feeling simply cannot be replaced.

The very reason they do a remake is the very reason they shouldn't. They do it because the original was fantastic and they feel that it could use an update. Perhaps the original is too dated... perhaps they feel that they have a perfect new cast... whatever. There's a reason why the original was so good in the first place and they should just leave well enough alone. In all the years I've gone to movies, there's only been one remake which I feel was superior to the original... and that honor goes to John Carpenter's "The Thing", a 1982 remake of the 1951 original. Otherwise, nothing will keep me away from a movie theater more so than a remake. Hollywood, are you listening?

Today as I was walking Tico I could see something odd at the side of the road. Tico ran up to it and quickly jumped away. As I got closer I could see what it was.... a live, thrashing crawfish.
How in the heck did a crawfish get into the road?

This is reminiscent of the aftermath of Hurricane Charlie in 2004 when I found 3 dead catfish in the road. The nearest lake is about 1/2 mile from where I found them... and I'm assuming that it's also where the crawfish came from. Hopefully, he's a lone wolf, just out exploring and not part of a large crawfish migration of some kind. I'd hate to run into one of them when walking through my yard wearing sandals!

Here are my thoughts on healthcare reform.
1.  It's long overdue and I applaud the Obama administration for taking it on
2.  Anyone who protests at a town hall meeting must add an uninsured American to their own healthcare policy.
3.  Anyone who argues that they want no government intervention in their healthcare must sign a waiver saying that they'll decline any VA benefits and decline any Medicare coverage once they turn 65.
4.  Anyone who is against reform yet is turned down by their insurance company or caught in a red tape trap must keep their big mouths shut.
5.  Studies should be done to show exactly why the US is behind all countries with government sponsored healthcare when it comes to life expectancy and infant mortality.
6. If you believe Sarah Palin when she tells you that the new plan will require that aunt Tillie be put to death because she has a scratchy throat and is over 75 years old, then you really will believe anything. However these same people wouldn't blink an eye if her idea of a health plan had a "Jesus will heal you" clause.

Once again, I'm dumbfounded at how ignorant the average American is.  They look at a first attempt at healthcare reform as a directive written by satan and yet totally close their eyes to the shambles that our healthcare system Is now.  Moving to Canada or England seems more appealing every day!

The other day I was taking Tico for a walk. As he dawdled on the side of the road, undoubtedly smelling the pee or poop of some other animal, I noticed a tiny sting on the back of my ankle. Looking down, there was one tiny fire ant there who was smushed before he had any time for regret or to make peace with his maker. I only felt one sting, but today, 4 days later, I have 5 welts on the back of my ankle, which sorta resemble ankle acne. They swell, they itch, they scab over...can you imagine what I'd look like if more than one ant had had his way? About a year ago I was also bitten by a fire ant on the top of my foot and my foot swelled so much I could barely get my shoe on, and I even got a low grade fever. It's easy to see that if you fell asleep on the ground and these guys got to you, you might not make it out alive!

I know that all life is supposed to have a purpose in the harmonious circle of nature. I can't quite find a place in the circle for these goddamn fire ants, however.

And... for more on the worthless life in Florida story... my neighbors yard had more pig damage the other night, and so I'm sure it'll only be a matter of days before they'll be chomping down my back yard again. I am soooooooooo over Florida!

I love the new AP (Associated Press) app for my iphone. I can get all the latest news in a flash. They have a feature that sends this neat sounding alert to my iphone whenever there is breaking news.

Here's what I don't like. The other day my phone made that neat "breaking news" sound. I looked at my phone expecting to catch wind of some new catastrophic event, such as a plane crash or a nuclear meltdown, but this is what the AP considered breaking news...

"Katherine Jackson awarded custody of Michael's children"

Are they kidding me?

Ok, ok.... I have a secret to share with everyone.  I go commando.  No underwear.  And I cannot blame this on my move to Florida as it actually started when I still lived in Milwaukee.

There's just no feeling in the world like the free-balling feeling you get wearing shorts and nothin' else.  I know there are some out there who might be a bit repulsed at this... and to tell you the truth... I might actually consider myself to be one of them.  To think that there is nothing more than a thin layer of cotton separating me from the rest of the world. 

The freedom can become annoying.  And on hot, hot days... and your parts are sweating... it can be, to quote Peter Griffin, "like ball soup down there".  Yet, nothing is more annoying when I know I have to put on a pair of underwear AND a pair of pants.  I feel so darned constricted!

So, next time you see me... especially if I'm wearing shorts... you can pretty well conclude that my underwear are still at home in the drawer

My dog is a pussy.  I just took him outside to pee... he saw the hot air balloons that usually float around our area on calm mornings and he bolted back towards the door.  He's not so much afraid of the balloons themselves, but the noise they make when they fire up that gizmo that produces more hot air.  He's also terrified of loud noises like gunshots and fireworks... and since we can hear the nightly fireworks going at Disney World from our house, it can make life interesting.  I'd try to make him face his fears, but that... coming from a man who screams a very high A sharp and runs the other direction whenever he sees a spider of any size.... would be a lesson in hypocrisy.

Today I fished out not one, but two dead frogs from our swimming pool.  Last week I corraled a 2 foot long snake from the patio and got him outside.  Several months ago, there was another snake tightly coiled in the gap in our sliding door.  Where in the hell are all of these reptiles coming from??

Our pool just isn't an open hole... it's covered with a large screened enclosure and for the life of me, I cannot find a single small hole that an ant could crawl through... let alone two frogs and a two foot long snake.

It was my sincere hope that this screened enclosure would be a pristine environment in which I could frolic without a single care about snakes, frogs, spiders, etc... but somehow these creatures are getting in.  I think that someone must come along in the middle of the night and hold the door to the enclosure open and scream "the party's in here!"   Heed all of this, oh those of you who think that Florida is a paradise.  It's Jurassic Park!

Today I made my first dental appointment in 3 years.  I didn't like my old dentist so I'm not going back, and my travel schedule PLUS my picky insurance makes it very hard to find and keep a dentist.  Is this why I haven't been to the dentist in 3 years?  Not quite.

Did any of you ever see the movie "Marathon Man" starring Dustin Hoffman?  In this movie, he is abducted by a former nazi played devilishly well by the late Lord Laurence Olivier.  Anyway, Olivier's character is quizzing Hoffman's character about some stolen diamonds... and keeps asking him
"Is it safe?".  Dustin has no idea what he's talking about, but Olivier, in order to get an answer, tortures him by poking into his teeth with a pick, and finally starts drilling into Dustin's front tooth until he hits a nerve.  That, to me, is a true horror film.

I've had a lifelong fear of dentists and dental work.  I'd rather be doing anything else in the world other than sitting in a dentist's chair.  And I think I can safely say that as an adult, my ass has never even touched a dentists chair because as soon as I sit in one, I stiffen like a board and my ass is suspended in mid air the whole time and my knuckles are bleach white from tightly grabbing the arms.  I'm a stroke waiting to happen.

But... over the last few months, my teeth have started acting up...to the point where I can barely chew anything that isn't room temperature, so I know I gotta work past my fear and go in.  And poor Dr. Lee?  He's the unsuspecting sap who'll have to stare into my train wreck of a mouth and still act professionally.  I'm afraid that I'm gonna put him over the edge and he'll become a landscape designer the day after my visit... coupled with much therapy.

But... don't pity Dr. Lee.  He'll be paid handsomely for the adventure he faces.  Pity me instead....

Here's how I made an ass of myself at Publix (our local supermarket) yesterday...

Knowing that I had to go to the store to get a few things, I also grabbed out the prefilled lotto form that's stuck to the front of the refrigerator with a magnet.  I thought "Oh, good, while I'm at the store, I'll get lotto tickets for tonight's drawing!".

I also remembered that I had an old winning scratch-off ticket in my car worth 6$.  The lotto slip would cost 5, and I'd have 1$ left over.

So, I arrived at the store, bought my stuff and went to the lotto counter.  I handed the guy my scratch off ticket and my lotto slip and awaited the 1$ in cash I was expecting in return.  Suddenly, the guy printed out my lotto ticket and said to me:  "that'll be 4$".  My mind didn't quite grasp what he had said until it suddenly dawned on me that the lotto slip I had given him must've been marked for 2 drawings, so instead of it being a 5$ ticket, it was actually a 10$ ticket.  My heart sank as I realized that I didn't have a penny in my pocket and that there was already a small line of people forming behind me.

"Can I use my debit card?", I asked.
"No", he replied, "You can't use your debit card for the lottery, but you can buy something and ask for cash back and use that to pay for the ticket".

So... I ran off to find something cheap and finally came up with a pack of Eclipse gum.  He rang it up and I swiped my debit card and finished my transaction.... thinking I was done.  That's when he looked up at me and said...
"You forgot to ask for cash back, didn't you?"

D'OH!  I bought a pack of gum I didn't need to get cash back that I forgot to punch in.  So, with an ever increasing line behind me, I ran off again and grabbed the first thing I could get my hands on, which was a small bag of peanuts... he rang it up and I VERY CAREFULLY asked for 5$ cash back.  I finally was handed the 1$ I had expected at the beginning of this whole embarrassing mess.

So, in addition to the few things I entered Publix to buy in the first place, I walked out with a pack of gum AND a pack of peanuts AND a lotto ticket which didn't win me anything.  Get Shady Pines on the phone... I'm ready to check in.

I don't know what it is about Nacho Cheese Doritos which makes me go out of my mind.   We were at Target the other day and saw a display of them with a large sign that said "SALE $2".   From that point on I don't recall what happened except that by the time we had reached the checkout I had a large bag in my hand.  I don't recall picking it up... perhaps it knew of my affinity and jumped into my awaiting arms.

In any event... as I'm trying to lose weight.... now I have a large bag of Nacho Doritos tempting me from the pantry.  But I'll show them!  I plan to dispose of each and every one.  Throwing them in the trash would be too easy... and too painless.  These Doritos are going to suffer for the addiction they've instilled on me.  And I think that I've come up with a perfect slow and painful death.... one that'll make them endure the long and tortuous journey through the deepest recesses of my digestive tract.  Yes, that's it... that'll teach them.

One of the few joys of traveling in the last few years was having my "Clear" card.  "Clear" is a registered traveler program which has allowed me to bypass the security line at Orlando airport.  Over the last few years more and more airports have had the Clear card capability.  Trust me... there are times when "Hands Across America" was a shorter line of people than those waiting to go through security at Orlando International Airport.  It's been such a pleasure walking past this long line to buzz through security with my Clear card.

Today I got an e-mail from Clear saying that they were shutting down their service TODAY.  There is no phase down period... no time for grieving.... it's just gone.  I'm back to standing in the long, long line with the tourists who all seem to be pushing baby carriages... and knowing that it'll take me a good half hour longer each time I fly.  Plus, I was paid up through November and I'm sure I'm not getting a refund for my unused service.

Dammit!

I downloaded the "bejeweled" game for my iPhone a couple of weeks ago.  It sorta has a space theme and it wasn't until I was playing it in a crowded airport that I realized something unusual about the game. 

The music, which accompanies you the whole time you're playing, has the exact sound of a "Costello Presley" soundtrack.  In case you don't know who "Costello Presley" is, he created the background soundtrack for many, many porn films throughout the 70's, 80's and 90's.  In fact, I think he really only did one soundtrack, but it's the same one they play in porn after porn after porn.

Coming to this sudden realization as I was playing my game I was suddenly driven to turn the sound off as I didn't want all the folks sitting around me to think that I was watching porn on my iPhone.  If I'm gonna watch porn on my iPhone, I certainly wouldn't be compelled to do it seated at terminal 75 of Orlando International Airport.  

It suddenly dawned on me, though, that if these folks recognized the music I was listening to then they are no stranger to porn themselves.  How dare they judge me!